Entry #001
Date: 16/07/2025
Title: Keeping the Flame Alive
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Observation: In this entry I will refer a lot to schools. Each uni has different systems in place and all that, so just think in general broad terms. Also consider that I am from Brazil, and the best ranked (not 100%, but most of the best ranked) unis are free. This might be mind-blowing to some, it is to me sometimes when I think about it. So, when I don’t mention student loans and stuff I see people from the US talking about, that is why.
Oh gee, it’s my first ever entry. I’m not actually new to journalling, but I don’t think I’ve ever done a blog post. I’m thinking about how the stuff I want to put out on my page will maybe seem too scattered. For instance, I’d like to have a place to put my book catalogue, but I also feel like I would talk about books on here… well I guess redundancy is usually a good feature to have in biological systems. So let’s pretend this whole page is an organism. I’m tempted to talk about a book I haven’t finished reading yet. Would I remember to link this entry from my catalogue once I’ve read it through? I won’t bother you with my preoccupations (right now) (further than I have). Let me introduce you a bit to my life.
So, I have recently finished the first semester of my master’s degree. I have a bachelor’s in biology (I worked mostly with ecology and quantitative methods), but I really saw myself working with computers. I love understanding patterns and when and why they break. My thesis actually was theoretical and fully made with coding. It’s not like I want to completely change fields. It’s almost like it. But I still look to nature as a source of creativity, data and application. And, most of all, responsibility. I got accepted in January this year. It came almost as a surprise. It’s a very well-to-do college and I was competing for one, that’s right, one spot. There was only one available spot for what I truly wanted to work with: bioinspired computing. And that’s not really what I’m working with, to be honest…
Bioinspired computing. Think ant algorithms , or a fungus predicting the train system in Japan . I’m in love with that sort of stuff. Specifically, what systems in nature are optimized to save energy.
I am not working exactly on that though. I’m not very good at following academic bureaucracy, or any bureaucracy, but despite bioinspired computing being the name of the area I got in to work at, no one checks that. My supervisor had some plans that tangentially relate to the topic (to be euphemistic about it). But they were plainer than my messy “I sort of want to do this, or something like that” ideas, and they had a better chance to get me a scholarship. No complaints. I accepted the project promptly. So I’m working with predicting interactions between RNA types. I’m being very vague about it, because that is not the topic of this entry. I guess they thought “it has to do with RNA” was enough to make it fit into “biocomputing”.
Okay, I get in. Everything is new. New school, new people, new modes of being. I’m not the best with new.
My previous uni experience had been new, but people there were extremely warm and nice and receptive. I didn’t find my crew for a while, but then I started on the medication I am on currently, and I feel a big shift in how I socialize. I get bolder, more confident, and that helps me make friends not only because I’m speaking out, but also because I feel like working on those relationships and enjoy people more. Awesome. As mentioned, I’m still on this medication. I still feel I am bolder and more social than I used to be. I crack jokes, I look for extracurriculars, I attend events. It’s not enough this time. People here are different. It’s hard to make friends. They are quieter, colder, and more focused on becoming employable.
It’s a shock.
I am angry about generative AI. I am fuming about the way big corporations use tech. And I don’t see the same sentiment here. I see complacence. I see the workers of this force. I am a biologist. I care about life. I care about natural resources, clean energy and all the things I thought, surely, “everyone” must care about, right?
To tell the truth, this semester was harsh. The classes I took weren’t too difficult, but emotionally, I was all over the place. I am struggling to keep coming to a place that feels uncharted, unfamiliar and not friendly to my neurodivergence. And then a friend of mine dies. I was the second of 3 deaths I had to deal with this year so far, and it was the harshest. He was a big proponent of me getting out of my apartment and experiencing life. He made me meet other people. He made me go out camping. He made me do things out of my comfort zone, listen to a lot of music, good movies, and he made me be a happier person. He was an amazing guy, and I feel guilty that I didn’t spend more time with him, that his death felt sudden to me, because I wasn’t there, checking up on him. I feel like this is a bitter unfair event to happen to the world. I didn’t want his spark to disappear completely from the world. I felt it was only fair for me to carry it on, to be that kind of person too.
The seeds I had planted were not in vain. The groups I joined in the early semester were a way for me to express myself and talk to others. Some people thought like I did. I actually met some people who also had a biology background, or strong political ideals. I have many ideas for the future. I want to speak out about good science. Ethical science, well-made science, science in service of people.
I have some silly little plans. I am not a leader though, and I have mentioned I’m not good with bureaucracy. But I have a starting point.
Meanwhile, I am struggling with the very basics. Waking up, going to bed “on time” (whatever that means), eating properly and at the right time, keeping up with hygiene, tasks, appointments, requirements.
I do believe I have a very strong creative force. And if I don’t create enough, I get bummed out and start thinking negatively about everything. It feels like I’m figuring out a mathematical formula to keep myself alive and well. It’s hard.
But I do see myself enjoying next semester, and I’m excited.
Something about my writing training says this text doesn’t have a good, well-defined arc, but well, it’s an entry. It’s more honest this way. I’m in mid-arc.
